Parenting: How to Turn Your Word from Garbage into Gold

In this week’s Family Friday, learn all about how enforceable statements can help raise responsible children!

As parents, how often do you find yourself saying phrases like “hurry up,” “sit still” or “eat your food?” If you’re reading this thinking you say those things all the time… you are not alone!

When parents see an undesirable behavior, the natural tendency is to tell their children what to do. The problem with this strategy is that these phrases are not enforceable and cannot truly be controlled by the parent. Every time a stubborn child is told what to do, it risks training him or her not to listen because there is no guaranteed follow through.

So what should you say when your child needs to eat his or her food, hurry up or sit still? How can you turn your word from garbage into gold? Give enforceable statements a try!

Enforceable Statements

Enforceable statements are all about setting limits with an “I will” message rather than a “you will” message. The “you will” message says “you will do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it.” This type of messaging doesn’t usually sit well with anyone, regardless of age or responsibility level. Contrary to “you will” messages, “I will” messages are all about how you are going to take care of yourself, and what opportunities you are going to provide for your children. Can you control if you give your child dessert? Or if you take them places they want to go? Absolutely! Check out examples below of how you can rephrase common “you will” messages into “I will” messages and turn your word into gold!

“YOU WILL”	“I WILL”
Please sit down. We’re going to eat now.	We will eat as soon as you are seated.
Please be quiet. I can’t listen to your brother when you are both talking at the same time.	I’ll be glad to listen to you as soon as your brother has finished talking to me.
Hurry up!	My car leaves in 5 minutes, sure hope you’re in it!
Eat your food or you don’t get any dessert!	I’ll be glad to give you dessert as soon as you have finished your dinner.
Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice!	I will listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.
Clean your room so we can go shopping	I’ll be happy to take you shopping as soon as your room is clean.
You show some respect	I’ll be glad to discuss this when respect is shown.
Stop throwing your food	I allow children to be at the table as long as they’re not throwing food on the floor.
You need to be a better sport!	I’ll pay for sports for those who show good sportsmanship on and off the field.
Do your homework!	I’ll be happy to let you play with your friends as soon as your homework is finished.
You need to come home by curfew or you are grounded!	I allow kids to go out at night who come home when they say they will.
Don’t interrupt!	I listen to kids who don’t interrupt.

Learn More

Want to learn more concepts like these? Register for a free Parenting the Love and Logic Way™ course offered by Healthy Relationships Utah. Parenting the Love and Logic Way™ is a research-based parenting course that teaches parents how to raise responsible kids and enjoy parenting. Courses are available throughout all of Utah. To learn more, visit healthyrelationshipsutah.org.

Love and Logic™ is a registered trademark of the Love and Logic Institute, Inc.

This article was written by Megan Hargraves, Media Specialist with Healthy Relationships Utah, megan.hargraves@usu.edu.

Become a Better Partner by Using Assertive Statements

Happy Family Friday! This week learn how to approach conflict in a relationship or marriage.

It can be hard to approach your partner when there is conflict in a relationship or marriage. Oftentimes, humans err in three ways when there is something difficult to discuss: 1) We become too aggressive, saying things in a harsh tone that we will later regret; 2) We are not assertive enough, shutting down quickly when trying to explain our point of view; or 3) We avoid confrontation entirely because we don’t like conflict or feel it won’t help. Fall within one of these three categories? Try using assertive statements the next time an issue arises.

Assertive Statements

Assertive statements are loving ways to express a thought, feeling or desire that could create tension or conflict within a relationship; each statement is finished with something you’d like to see changed, such as:

What I would like from you in our relationship is…
What I could do for you that would help our relationship is…
What I would like for you to do more in our relationship is…
What I would like for us to do differently is…

If you’d like to create your own assertive statements, make sure they identify what you are feeling in the situation and are not accusatory to your partner. Using “I” based assertive statements rather than accusatory “you” statements allows you to acknowledge your feelings in a non-threatening and inoffensive way. This act of less accusation will lead to a more conducive environment for problem solving, which is vital in building happy, healthy relationships.

Learn more

Want to learn more tips for your relationships? Healthy Relationships Utah offers FREE Couple LINKS courses that teach concepts like assertive statements and many others. This research-based course is great for couples who want to build happy relationships or repair distressed ones. To learn more, visit healthyrelationshipsutah.org.

This article was written by Megan Hargraves, Media Specialist with Healthy Relationships Utah, megan.hargraves@usu.edu.

Smart Dating: 12 Questions to Answer About Your Partner’s Conscience

These 12 questions will help you determine your partner’s conscience.

Much of how a person acts in a relationship is related to the maturity and functioning of his/her conscience. A partner with a poor conscience is one who leaves you feeling forgotten, unappreciated and unloved over and over again. Your conscience has two functions: to monitor your actions and attitudes and to transport you into another’s perspective that prompts understanding and compassion.

You don’t want to find yourself dating a person with a poor conscience, or worse, married to one. How do you determine if a potential partner has a poor conscience? We’ve compiled a list of 12 questions you can answer about a person to help you find out!

How consistent are they with attitudes and behaviors they say and believe?
What do they feel strongly about? Right and wrong?
How do they handle it when they are wrong?
How defensive are they?
What type of things make them feel guilty?
Do they understand and validate your perspective?
How do they respond to your explanation of your view and feelings?
How do they react to authority figures?
How controlling are they?
What special things do they do for you?
What are their moods like? How stable or unstable are they?
How much attention do they give to your needs — both spoken and unspoken?

Note: It takes about three months for deep-seeded patterns to show in a relationship. For this reason, it may be hard to determine if a person has a poor conscience if you have not known him or her for very long.

Want to learn more concepts like these? Register for a FREE “How to Avoid Falling for a Jerk (or Jerkette)” course offered by Healthy Relationships Utah. This course is a research-based, smart dating course for singles who want to form healthy relationships. Courses are available throughout all of Utah. To learn more or register, visit healthyrelationshipsutah.org.

This article was written by Megan Hargraves, Media Specialist with Healthy Relationships Utah, megan.hargraves@usu.edu.

Dads: 4 Tips on Raising Responsible and Confident Children

This week’s Family Friday is especially for Dad. These 4 tips will help you raise responsible kids and enjoy fatherhood.

1. Model Mistakes & Good Problem Solving

As a dad, it is okay for your children to witness small mistakes. This shows them that you are human and also gives you the chance to model good problem-solving skills. For example, on a short hike, you may purposefully leave your own snack at home and say to your kids, “Oops! I forgot to bring my granola bar. I’m hungry. I definitely won’t forget next time!”

2. Give Your Children the Chance to Make “Affordable” Mistakes

Consequences of mistakes grow costlier the older children get, which is why it is important to allow your children to make plenty of small, or “affordable”, mistakes while they are still young. For example, you may say to your kids, “We are leaving in 30 minutes for a short hike. You get to be in charge of putting together the snacks you would like to take.”

3. If a Mistake is Made, Show Empathy While Holding Your Child Accountable

The most loved and respected dads are the ones who deliver firm consequences with a strong dose of empathy. If a child forgets to bring his/her own snack on a short hike, saying something like “This is so sad. You forgot your snack, and now you’re hungry. We can’t drive all the way home to get them. Hang in there, I love you.” Using an empathetic delivery allows children to stay accountable for their mistakes, but know that you still love them.

4. Give your Children the Same Task Again

Later that week, you may say, “We are leaving in 30 minutes for a short hike. You again get to be in charge of putting together the snacks you would like.” When you give your children responsibility for the same task again, without nagging or reminding them of their previous mistakes, this sends a very powerful message: “You are smart enough to learn from your mistakes.”

Learn More

Want to learn more concepts like these? Register for a free Fathering with Love and Logic™ course offered by Healthy Relationships Utah. Fathering with Love and Logic™ is a research-based parenting course geared specifically towards fathers and father figures. Courses are available throughout all of Utah. To learn more or register, visit healthyrelationshipsutah.org.

This article was written by Megan Hargraves, Media Specialist with Healthy Relationships Utah, megan.hargraves@usu.edu.

Love and Logic™ is a registered trademark of the Love and Logic Institute, Inc.