Mindfulness can help you more fully enjoy what matters most– including your spouse! Try these seven tips to be more mindful in your marriage.

We live in a fast-paced world, and if we aren’t careful, life can slip by without us fully enjoying the people and things we love most. Being mindful, or maintaining an awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surroundings, can help you be more mentally, emotionally and physically present, and more fully enjoy those things and people that matter most. Consider these seven tips for increasing mindfulness in your relationship with your significant other.

1. Practice personal mindfulness.

Practicing personal mindfulness can help create a stronger relationship with your sweetheart. Quieting the excess chatter in your mind will help to steady your emotions and lower your physical and mental stress levels, potentially making you less reactive to your partner’s actions or words. It can also help you to focus on the small, everyday moments with your loved one, such as being fully present when you hug or kiss.

2. Prioritize time with your spouse.

In order for us to connect and be mindful of our partner, we need to have time together. Make your spouse a priority and give him or her your undivided attention, even if it is for 10 minutes every day to check in with them about their day. No TV. No phones. No books. Just each other.

3. Continually learn about each other.

Take time to ask open-ended questions so you can know about what is really going on in their world. The more mindful you are of each other’s hopes, dreams and challenges, the more of a support you can be to each other.

4. Show affection.

Let your partner know that you are mindful of them by showing your love daily through affection. Hold hands, give a lingering full-body hug or a five-second kiss.

5. Play together.

Have fun together and try new things. Show that you are mindful of your partner by trying things that he/she enjoys doing.

6. Express appreciation and compliments.

Show your partner that you are aware of him or her by sharing genuine compliments and words of appreciation daily.

7. Service.

Show your partner that you are mindful of him or her by helping ease their load through small acts of service. Even little things like getting up with the kids, making dinner, or doing a chore you normally don’t do can make a huge difference.

Naomi Brower is an Extension Associate Professor in Weber County specializing in helping others improve the quality of their lives through creating and strengthening their relationships. She earned her master’s degree in Family and Human Development from Utah State University and she is a Certified Family Life Educator. She enjoys hiking, traveling (especially anywhere green) and playing with her husband and adorable little boy.  Contact Naomi at naomi.brower@usu.edu or check out videos and other content at relationships.usu.edu.

References:

Doherty, W. J. (2013). Take back your marriage. New York: NY: The Guildford Press:

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (2007). The seven principles for making marriage work. London, England: Orion Books, Ltd.

Parker, T. (2016, August 24). How to mindfully meditate in marriage. [Web log post]. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/mindfully-meditate-marriage/

So much of our happiness is within our own control. Find out how to increase joy in your marriage or relationship through forgiveness.

Isn’t it amazing that the people we are closest to have the ability to offend us the most?  One reason for this is that when we love someone, we lower our protective emotional wall so we are more vulnerable to getting hurt.  It works the same with the people who love us – none of us are perfect – we have all said or done things that offend those we love the most. It is the way we REACT to offending or being offended that determines the effect on our relationship. It is important to think about how we really want to feel. Do you want to feel anger, resentment, bitterness, pain, and misery or do you want to feel love, peace, joy, and happiness? There are two responses that will bring about the positive feelings we all want to enjoy – forgiving your spouse when you are offended, and offering a sincere apology when you have offended your loved one.

The following five steps can help you in the forgiveness process and will allow you to replace the feelings of bitterness and hurt with positive feelings of love:

1. Take time to calm down before speaking to your spouse. This allows your brain to switch from the “fight or flight” area of the brain to the higher level thinking part of the brain.
2. Talk with your spouse about what happened to offend you. Sometimes you will find it was a misunderstanding or totally unintentional.        
3. Recognize you aren’t perfect either. Think of the many times your spouse has forgiven you for offenses.
4. Think of at least three memories when your feelings of love were especially strong for your spouse. Whenever you feel negative emotions of anger, hurt etc., think of these memories.
5. Give yourself time for the hurt feelings to be replaced with feelings of love. It may take some time, but don’t give up!

It is also important to learn how to offer a sincere apology. Three crucial steps are:

1. Recognize exactly what you did to offend your spouse.
2. Develop a plan to avoid repeating the same mistake again.
3. Tell your spouse you are sorry.

Making sure you include the first two steps will make the third step more meaningful and effective.

So…think of something you may have done recently to offend your spouse and begin the steps of apologizing — and think of something your spouse has done that offended you and begin the steps of forgiveness. Don’t forget the three memories!

Marriage can be hard work when you think about giving and taking, forgiving and asking for forgiveness – but when you are snuggling in the arms of the one you love, it is well worth it!

This article was written by GaeLynn Peterson, Wayne County Director and Extension Assistant Professor, FCS and 4-H Youth

Does social media add or detract from your relationship with your partner? Check out these tips on how to use media as a tool to strengthen your relationship.

According to recent statistics, over 97 percent of American adults own a mobile phone, and 67 percent own a smartphone.  In addition, the platforms and mediums for connection are seemingly endless (Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, email, Instagram, WhatsApp, IM etc.).

Increased options for instant connection can have positive and negative impacts on relationships. While online resources can help us stay connected to those we love and increase relationship satisfaction, being constantly connected to the world through online platforms can also potentially lead to neglecting our partners, conflict, less relationship and life satisfaction, and affairs.

Consider the following seven ways to use technology to strengthen your relationships.

1. Checking-in texts. Take a minute during a break to tell your partner you are thinking of him or her or to send a “kiss.”
2. FaceTime/Skype. While media cannot replace actual face-to-face time, it is an important tool that can be used to help couples stay connected. This is particularly true for couples who spend extended periods of time physically apart (e.g. military, those who travel for work, etc.).
3. Facebook Posts. Facebook can be used to publicly express admiration and appreciation for your partner. Photographs, memes, videos and messages can all be used to express affection.
4. Instagram. Instagram can be a great way to share moments and different aspects of your day and life with your partner.  This can be particularly useful for couples who are often physically separated due to work or other circumstances.
5. Email. Emails can be a fun way to share possible gift ideas found online, date night or getaway ideas, silly pictures or jokes or just to check in with each other.
6. Pinterest. Similar to emails, Pinterest can be used to collect fun date night ideas, funny pictures to share with each other, or to create a dream board for future events or goals.
7. YouTube and Videos. Videos can be a fun way to connect with each other if you are watching, discussing and/or laughing about them together.

While using media to express affection and commitment can be a great boost to relationships, in order to prevent misunderstandings or frustration, be sure to also discuss boundaries for technology with your partner (keeping profiles public, being open and honest about technology use and who you are communicating with, having technology-free zones or time while you are together, etc.). By having an open and honest discussion and agreeing on boundaries as a couple, you can better ensure that technology will be a benefit rather than a detriment to your relationship.

This article was written by Naomi Brower, Utah State University Extension professor, naomi.brower@usu.edu, 801-399-8206, and Elizabeth Davis, Utah State University Extension Family and Consumer Sciences Assistant Professor for Kane County,  elizabeth.davis@usu.edu 

Looking to add some fun back into your relationship? Take a look at these thirteen common barriers to relationship fun, and how to combat them.

Boring, drab, lifeless, stale, dull, tedious. These are probably not the words you hope to use to describe your relationships. How about well planned, frugal, precise, productive, serious, busy? Though these can be characteristics of a strong, healthy relationship, they are not likely those things that make a relationship seem appealing. What made your relationship so attractive in the beginning? What is it about your partner that made you want to be with him or her?

In the beginning, no matter what the “spark” in your relationship was, it was so enjoyable you that both wanted to continue being together. Have your blissful days of being in love continued? Unfortunatelystrong, healthy, long-lasting marriages don’t just happen. We have to be intentional about our marriages, and research tells us that playing together helps us connect and feel more positive toward each other. Keeping the spark alive can be the most enjoyable work you and your partner will ever do. Make time to play and have fun; it is good for you and your relationship.

Consider the following barriers that stop couples from playing together and also ideas on how to combat them.

1. Lack of energy, unhealthy living habits. Make a plan to eat right and participate in physical activities. Help each other stick to the plan.
2. “Some day” syndrome. Schedule it and leave reminders for yourself.
3. Fear of looking silly. Let your partner know your fears and trust him or her to help you overcome them. Do fun things together that you feel comfortable with.
4. Differing ideas of fun. Find out why your partner enjoys his or her hobbies so much by asking questions and trying it yourself. Be open minded. Compromise.
5. Serious disposition. Laugh at yourself. Just try playing and see what happens.
6. Resentment. Remind yourself of how you used to feel toward each other by doing things you used to enjoy together, looking at old photos or talking about feelings.
7. Loss of hope in the relationship. Remind yourself of happier times by displaying happy photos, reminiscing, looking at memorabilia, etc.
8. Too competitive. Play a new game. Don’t keep score. Work together to complete a task.
9. Lack of money. Find fun things to do together that are free. Or, save for a special occasion.
10. Other priorities. Talk together about what you feel is important to make an enjoyable relationship.
11. View it as a waste of time. Consider play as a way to strengthen your relationship, because it is!
12. No role model. Talk to or read about other couples that have had successful relationships. Watch children play; they are the experts.
13. Feel it is unnecessary. Just try it and see how much more enjoyable your relationship can be.

Now that you have considered some of the barriers to play in your relationship, take action and make a plan to do something fun.

Based on ideas from The Power of Play in Relationships Manual (Braff & Schwarz, 2004) and Your Time Starved Marriage (Parrott & Parrott, 2006).

For additional ideas, see the fact sheet:

http://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/publication/FC_Relationships_2011-04pr.pdf.

This article was written by Naomi Brower, Utah State University Extension professor, naomi.brower@usu.edu, 801-399-8206, and Clarissa Barnhill, USU Extension intern

Interested in strengthening your marriage? Read on!

Research has found that married couples are healthier, wealthier and their children do better in school than those who are unmarried or divorced.  But, marriage can be challenging! Gaining skills and tools of healthy relationships can keep relationships happy and strong. Here are tips to keep relationship strong in five important areas of relationships:

Commitment

Being committed to each other is the first step in a good relationship. As part of thinking about “we” instead of “me,” it is important to understand and discuss each other’s personalities and needs.

Communication

Learning and practicing healthy communication skills such as “I messages” and good listening skills can show your partner that you value your relationships and promote positive communication.

Financial Harmony

Understanding each other’s money styles, keeping a budget, and setting financial goals as a couple can all help you to help you grow closer together rather than having finances be a source of frustration and contention in relationships.

Strengthening Your Friendship

Investing in your relationship with quality time, finding small ways to show that you care, and maintaining a positive mind set can strengthen your relationship.

Protect Your Marriage

Learning how to cope with conflict effectively, and learning traits of safe and happy relationships can help you protect your marriage from negative outside influences.

Learn More

Join us for a fun and interactive class to learn more about these five important areas and strengthen your relationship. Register Here

This article was written by Naomi Brower, USU Extension associate professor, Weber County

With these relationship tips, you and your partner will both come out winners!

Win-Win Situation

Experiences in my life have led me to appreciate the moments I have with those I love. I’m especially grateful for my husband who I had to search long and hard for. I can’t say that I don’t EVER take him for granted, but I know how hard it was for me to find him; and I want to make sure that he’s around for a long time. So, besides encouraging him to replace fast food with veggies and to exercise with me, I also try to keep the love alive by doing little things that are easy and don’t take much time but that let him know how much he means to me. I thought I’d share a few of the ideas I’ve tried (or plan on trying) to help keep the relationship spark.
• Take silly pictures of each other and laugh together.
• When he/she is sharing something with you, give him/her your undivided attention (I admit I need to work on this!).
• Give a silly gift at an unexpected time.
• Flirt with each other.
• Leave a sticky note or note card somewhere that tells about how much you love and appreciate your partner.
• Share one thing you are thankful for about each other before going to bed each night.
• On a trip somewhere in the car, kiss at every red light or stop sign.
• Stop whatever you are doing to enjoy the sunset together.
• Send a text or email just to say hi.
• Surprise him/her with a favorite treat.
What are the small things you do to keep the spark in your relationship? What new idea are you willing to try this week?
Check out some other ideas on how to make every moment you have together count at http://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/publication/Marriage&Relationships_2013-01pr.pdf.

This article was written by Naomi Brower, Weber County Director/Extension Associate, Weber County

Consider these tips to help you have a successful relationship and marriage!

Creating a Happily Ever After

Being in love is exciting and wonderful, and for some people it’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of romance. Many people spend more time planning for a wedding than they spend planning for a marriage. Before deciding to tie the knot, consider these tips to help create a more happily ever after.

1. Ask: Am I ready? The happiest relationships are built on a foundation of two happy and healthy people who are ready to take on the challenges of a new life together. Those who are ready to be in a long-term relationship have dealt with their own personal challenges and issues and are not looking for someone to make them happy or to “fix” them in some way (or vice versa).

2. Take time. In order to really get to know someone, it takes talking (mutual self-disclosure) + being together (in a variety of situations) + time (at least 90 days) (Van Epp, 2007). Because we are usually on our best behavior when we first meet and it takes time for patterns of behavior to emerge, this is a process that can’t be rushed, even if you spend a lot of time together.

3. Be extra cautious in long-distance relationships. While online dating is a common way to meet people, steer clear of commitment without spending a lot of time in person in many different situations. It is easier to show only our best selves in long-distance relationships.

4. Play detective. Ask deep and meaningful questions that will help you know if you are compatible with the person you are dating. For example, check out these 10 Questions to Ask Before Saying I Do. To make sure we aren’t biased about how we are viewing the person we are dating, it may also be helpful to think about how others might view him or her, or even ask others about their opinions and listen for warning signs you may have missed.

5. Start to become part of the family. Much of who we are was learned from growing up in our family, so we can learn a lot about what someone will be like as a partner and parent from observing, asking questions and spending time with their family. If there are concerns about a partner’s family or negative traits that a partner has learned from his or her family, you may want to think twice before getting too serious. While change is possible, it takes time and effort, and it is much easier to change before getting into a serious relationship.

6. Watch for personality compatibility. While we probably won’t have everything in common with our partner, happy relationships often have many of these traits in common: emotional temperament, sense of humor, intelligence, energy levels, similar recreation interests and how affection is expressed.

7. Be aware of each other’s values. Some of the biggest arguments in relationships relate to those things we value most because we have strong feelings and opinions about them. Having similarities in how religious/spiritual you are, having common financial views and goals and having similar views about family life are all major factors in lasting relationship satisfaction.

8. Watch for daily life compatibility. While it may not be romantic, the truth is that most of the time we spend with someone in a long-term relationship will be in the everyday routine of life. Consider such things as: Who will earn and manage the money? How will household responsibilities be divided? How will free time be spent? The answers to these questions can be crucial to the happiness of relationships.

9. Learn conflict resolution skills. Because we are all different, conflict is inevitable in even the happiest of relationships. When handled in a positive manner, overcoming conflict can strengthen relationships. Having a conflict plan in place can be helpful. Begin by setting the ground rules, such as choosing when and where to deal with conflict and remember to practice good listening and communication skills.

10. Plan now to keep your relationship strong. Just like cars, relationships need regular preventative maintenance in order to run smoothly and prevent problems. Research suggests that relationship education (such as attending a class or reading a relationship book together, etc.) can help relationships stay strong. Consider what you will do as a couple to keep your relationship strong.

For more information and class schedules on relationships, visit HealthyRelationshipsUtah.org.

This article was written by Naomi Brower, USU Extension associate professor

When life gets busy, it’s easy to get into the routine of dinner and a movie. Here’s a reminder that it’s fun and easy to add something new and different to your dating scene!

No More Popcorn!

Author – Naomi Brower

Your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to pick one fun date night and make it happen this month.Think outside of the movie theater and add some excitement to your dating life! Here are a few ideas for date nights that I think are pretty fun and inexpensive to get your creativity going:

• Have a romantic picnic. Give your taste buds a new experience as your try new varieties of cheese (yum!) paired with sparkling cider and fresh fruit. For extra fun, add a blindfold and try to guess the type of cheese your sweetheart is feeding you.

• Go on a “vacation” for the night. Pick a destination and then eat food and do activities that would be similar to what you’d do if you were there. Or, attend a travel expo and dream about places you want to go. For extra credit, make a collage of pictures from all of the travel books you pick up and put it somewhere in your house. (Yes, I really have this hanging in my house.)

• Play glow in the dark tennis, volleyball, Frisbee, or golf. You can buy many of these items at local stores for $20 or less.

• Cultivate your green thumb. Attend a class together at one of the local USU Extension offices or botanical gardens. Put your new knowledge to work in your yard.

• Look for “the best______” (fill in the blank) in the area. For example, spend time comparing places for creating “the best” echo or places that sell “the best” frozen yogurt (my favorite!).

• Take a hike. Explore a new hiking trail in your area and then enjoy snacks as you take in the view at your final destination.

• Have a fondue party. Melt chocolate or cheese and dip veggies, meat, bread and treats. (Fondue pots are helpful but small crock pots also work well.)

• Go window shopping. Check out the latest electronic gadgets. Get ideas for decorating your home. Try on a new clothing look. Take some goofy photos together. (This is the perfect opportunity to get gift ideas for your sweetheart for future occasions!)

• Have a progressive dinner for two. Go to several different restaurants, enjoying a yummy appetizer at one, your favorite main course at another and the dessert you’ve been craving at the last.

• Take a trip down memory lane. Watch your wedding video or look at your old photo album of when you first met. You might notice something that you missed the first time.

• Attend the Utah State University planned county date nights designed to provide inexpensive and fun dates for couples, while learning relationship tips that will keep your relationship strong.

Not only is playing with your sweetheart fun, but spending time playing as a couple can increase feelings of closeness, improve communication and help couples to unite, which can help them when overcoming differences and challenges.

For additional inexpensive date night tips, as well as tips, classes and resources on building healthy relationships, see www.strongermarriage.org.

What are your favorite fun and inexpensive date night ideas?

This article was written by Naomi Brower

Naomi Brower is an Extension Associate Professor for Utah State University. She has a Masters of Family and Human Development from Utah State University. Often called the relationship guru by friends, Naomi is passionate about helping others improve the quality of their lives through creating and strengthening their relationships with others.

References

http://strongermarriage.org/